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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Top Ten Things I Have Learned in 12 Years at the Late Show
  
CBS will air anything
Nod politely and smile and guests will think you're actually listening
CBS's 12th anniversary gift? An old "Becker" mug
I can fly to Miami, shoot Suge Knight in the leg, and be back by show time the next day
Oprah hides her love for me behind a veil of hatred and disgust
Jack Hanna's "animals"? Actually third graders in costumes
Begging won't convince Paris Hilton to make a video with you
If a president gets it on with an intern, you've got ten years of material
Begging won't convince Barbara Walters to make a video with you
I should have quit eight years ago
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My intern is usually the creepy kid who eats the copier ink

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Whenever there's a fire drill in the building, people conveniently forget to tell me

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Regis Philbin smells like bourbon & aerosol cheese

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Don't give Courtney Love your cell phone number

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